


a thousand and one ways

by whiplash



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Aaron's Entire Backstory Alright?, Angst, Assisted Suicide, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2016-11-16
Packaged: 2018-08-31 08:52:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8572111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whiplash/pseuds/whiplash
Summary: He doesn't know exactly when, or how, it starts. Just remembers – vaguely, like through a haze – shadows playing across the wall in his bedroom. His dad and mum fighting in the other room. Dad's voice like thunder, mum's shrill like a siren. And all he wants is for them to stop but he can't make that happen. So instead he puts his hands over his ears and, when that doesn't help, he tugs gently at his own hair.





	

**Author's Note:**

> You saw the tags, yes? Good. Take them seriously. There's nothing happy about this story -- other than, perhaps, the fact that we know that Aaron gets a happy(ish) ending both on-screen and in a majority of the stories written in fandom.

He doesn't know exactly when, or how, it starts.

Just remembers – vaguely, like through a haze – shadows playing across the wall in his bedroom. His dad and mum fighting in the other room. Dad's voice like thunder, mum's shrill like a siren. And all Aaron wants is for them to stop but he can't make that happen. So instead he puts his hands over his ears and, when that doesn't help, he tugs gently at his own hair.

Years later; his dad, awake and moving around downstairs. His mum, gone. Everything quiet, the way that it never used to be. And even though it's Aaron's own fault that his mum left him behind, he still hates her for it. Hates her, even as he misses her so much that his tummy hurts. Dad's tired of his crying though ( _of his clinging, of his whining, of his naughtiness_ ) so Aaron stuffs his fist into his mouth and bites down hard.

Months later; his dad's watching telly downstairs while Aaron goes to bed. His mum's still gone. Aaron's heart races every time he hears dad's heavy steps in the stairs, every time the door creaks open, every time he hears breathing other than his own fill the room. He pinches and scratches at his own arms and curls up _tight, tight, tight_ under the heavy duvet.

Then dad meets Sandra and things get better. She makes dad smile even when Aaron spills milk at the breakfast table or brings home yet another note from school. At night, Sandra and dad watch telly together as Aaron hurries up to bed. Dad starts ruffling his hair, telling him that he's a good kid. For a while, they're like a real family and he clings to that.

“Stop chewing on your nails, love,” Sandra tells him, eyes gentle and hands soft as they brush over his hair. Or; “Stop picking at that scab or it'll never heal.”

And Aaron tries to stop. He really does. But there's something wrong with him, there has to be, because even though nothing bad's happening to him he still finds that there are times when he just can't breathe right. Times when he just can't _think_ right. So there are still scabs. Still bruises. But it's not as bad as it used to be and he likes to think that maybe that means that one day he'll be able to stop.

Then Sandra's belly starts swelling and they sit Aaron down on the sofa to tell him the news. He'll soon be a big brother, Sandra needs her rest and, oh yeah, he'll be visiting his mum for a few days.

“But you're my mum now,” he blurts out, his throat tight and his voice shrill. He wants to lunge at Sandra, wrap his arms around her and burrow his way inside her growing belly. Take the place of the baby inside of her and be safe with her forever. Sandra reaches out and pulls him close, her arms soft and warm around him and her voice kind as she tells him that _he'll be fine, everything will be fine, just wait and see, Aaron._

That turns out to be a lie though because just a few days later he's back in Emmerdale and it's not fine. He's not fine.

“I don't like you,” mum hisses, her lips lipstick red and her eyes hard. “How sad is that, eh?”

And it's strange, how much the words hurt even though Aaron's known all along that she doesn't. Of course, she doesn't like him. Of course, she doesn't love him. If she did – if she ever had – then she wouldn't have left him, would she? She would have kept him safe. Like mums are supposed to do. Like Sandra has for the past couple of years.

“See how you get on when that new baby arrives,” mum continues. “They won't want to know you.”

That night Aaron rakes his ragged nails up and down his arms. When uncle Zak asks him about the angry welts, he lies and blames the dogs. The mutts get kicked outside, whining and with their tails between their legs. Lisa rubs a rag drenched in disinfectant across his arms, calling him a brave lad when he barely blinks at the sting. Afterward, she makes him a cup of sweet and milky tea.

After Olivia's born, everything changes again. She cries all the time, her face scrunched up and unhappy. Night after night she keeps them all awake. Sandra starts snapping at dad and dad, well, dad starts snapping back. Aaron stays out of their away as much as he can, keeping quiet at mealtimes and hurrying off to bed in the evenings. Dig his nails deep into the palms of his hands and imagines that dad and Sandra can't see him. That he's invisible. 

“You're spoiling her,” dad accuses. “You keep picking her up like that and she'll never stop screaming.”

“It's colic,” Sandra hisses, shadows under her eyes and spit-up on her cardigan. “Her tummy hurts.”

“That one was worse,” dad says, jerking his head in Aaron's direction.

Because Aaron's always worse. Always the worst.

Then Olivia turns six months old and it just stops. Everything goes back to how it used to be, except for how Sandra keeps sleeping in the nursery and also seems to have forgotten that Aaron even exists. He wonders if perhaps he shouldn't have been so good at pretending to be invisible. He wonders what's wrong with him that he's lost two mums when most kids manage to hold on just fine to their one. He wonders what will happen next.

“Have you been in a fight?” dad asks one morning, frowning at the purple bruise peeking out from underneath Aaron's sleeve. There's something dark in his eyes, something that suggests that Aaron's been naughty and everything _wobbles_.

Come tea time, Aaron pushes his vegetables around the plate. Sandra asks if he's getting sick even as dad tells him that he can't leave the table until he's finished his food. That night Aaron sneaks into the nursery and hangs over his sister's crib, snatching away her dummy just to see her open her mouth in a wordless wail. The crying keeps them all awake for hours and Aaron curls up under his duvet and tries to convince himself that the door won't creak open. That dad won't risk it, that he can't, not now that Sandra's awake with the baby.

He turns eleven and stops scratching up his own arms and starts getting into fights instead. Loses more than he wins, at least at first. He makes new mates at school though and learns how to keep himself safe with just a sneer and a tilt of the head. At night he still has to grind his thumbs into old bruises to relax but, other than that, he somehow manages to convince himself that everything has changed. That he's finally managed to remake himself into something better. Into someone stronger.

“You're turning into a right thug,” dad says and Aaron so stupid that he feels relief at the words. Takes it as confirmation that he's someone else now. But it only takes a few more months before he pushes too hard. And dad, dad pushes right back and Aaron realizes that nothing has changed and that nothing ever will.

After that, he tries to stay out of trouble. Even so, trouble keeps finding him. Aaron struggles with school. Struggles with keeping his temper. Struggles, at times, to even stay awake during the day. The nights are the worst, though. They have always been the worst. The bruises and scratches never go away anymore. Dad's not happy, frowning at him across the table and smacking the back of Aaron's head as he makes a mess of his homework.

On the bright side, Sandra's gone soft on him. She covers for him. Tries to smooth things over with his dad, rather than make things worse with her nagging. He reckons that maybe she's sick of all the fighting. That she wants her kid to grow up right. Looking at Liv, playing on the floor, he supposes that he can't blame Sandra for that. After all, who would want their little kid to turn out like Aaron?

One night he comes home stinking of smoke. Dad slaps him across the face and Aaron's eyes tear up, more from the surprise than pain. Dad notices and says that if he ever catches Aaron smoking again, he'll give him something to really cry about. Aaron gives up smoking but keeps the lighter. Plays with it at night. Thinks sometimes about burning the house down around him. But mostly he tests himself. Sees how close he can get to the flame. How long he can stand it licking at his skin.

It's wrong, of course. He's old enough to realize that now. Old enough to know that there's something wrong inside his head. Something which made his mum leave him and his dad want to hurt him. Something which makes him look at other boys and think bad things. Something which drives him to hurt himself. 

Years later, everything goes to hell and he's sent to live with his mum. Aaron doesn't bother trying to be good this time. There's no point. He knows better now. Instead he just goes ahead and makes a mess out of things, just like he's always done. Dad's not around to punish him for it anymore but Aaron soon finds that there's plenty of men trying to take his place. Men who try to loom above him. Who try to push him around and hurt him. Only, this time, Aaron doesn't planning on letting them. This time around, he's the one who hits first. 

Years later, Aaron falls for a boy and one of his age-old secrets gets torn straight out of his chest. It's laid out, all bloody and raw, for everyone to gawk at its wrongness. And even though Aaron has learned of a thousand and one ways to make himself hurt, that's still not enough to set things right. So instead he tries to make himself disappear only it turns out that he can't even get that right.

Years later, Aaron feeds his lover poison and gets away with it. To punish himself he beats his hands bloody against a punching bag and scrapes his knuckles bloody against a gravestone and carves into the softness of his belly with a razor. It's not much further than he's taken things before and no further than he'll take it again. Only this time, he's found out. And that's another one of his age-old secrets ripped out of his chest. And everyone stares at his shame and they think that it's wrong and they think that it's new and Aaron, well, he doesn't ever tell them otherwise. He can't afford to show them just how messed-up he truly is.

As for the last of his secrets, well, Aaron buries it deep. Hides it behind his ribs, allowing it to nestle right next to his heart. Can feel its poison trickling into his blood stream, sure, but knows even so that he can't ever let them know.

Then he meets a man with a wicked smile and a silver tongue. 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry about the angst parade. But I did warn you, yes? 
> 
> (Chas telling a young Aaron that she doesn't like him actually happens in the show. Also the part where she tells him that Gordon and Sandra won't want to know him after the baby's born.)
> 
> Feedback and kudos are welcome.


End file.
